Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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