Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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