i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
