Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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