I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
