The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
