Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
