I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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