if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
