Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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