Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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