Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
