Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
