someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Randomize
