What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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