just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
