but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
