Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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