This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
