Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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