so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
