About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
