If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
