I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
