God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
