My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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