How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
