Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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