I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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