She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
