my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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