i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
