I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
