i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
