she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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