i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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