did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
