I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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