Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
