Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
