Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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