please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My penis needs a shock collar
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
