Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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