mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
