i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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