i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I need water and some morals
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
