The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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