We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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