He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
