can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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